In My 19th Year, I Will...

By Lucy Harbron - 17:31

Today is my 19th birthday. 

It comes at the end of one of the most emotionally draining, challenging, strange months I've ever lived. I recently talked about how I was struggling massively with conflicting situation and feeling (read here). Balancing the pain and upset of an unexpected, hard breakup, with the excitement and pride of my book and career success left me feeling honestly quite broken. I won't lie to you, I've spent the last couple days crying on facetime to my Mum like 3 times a day. But today I draw a line.

Yesterday I released a book. A BOOK. THAT I WROTE. 

Yesterday I completed a life-long dream. People are paying for and supporting and enjoying my art, my words from my head printed into a book. I don't even know if it's hit me fully yet, but I'm so proud and honestly I'm so in love with it. And it feels good, to have this product of my hard work in my hands that I'm completely happy with and proud of. But more than that, in this hard month it's been so empowering to see the book as a product of situations just like this. I wrote those poems in times of intense emotion or struggle. I made something amazing from that, I can do that again. Grow flowers from the dirt. 

You can purchase your copy here :

I celebrated last night surrounded by friends who told me again and again how proud they were of me, and reminded me that this is an incredible achievement so long. But I felt heavy, their words went through me but didn't stick as I was still so caught up in sadness over a breakup, a breakup that left me feeling stranded and honestly pretty disrespected in a time that should've be celebratory. I got home from my party sad and angry at myself for my own lack of excitement. Then I watched this video by Lucy Moon:

I had a realisation moment. Here I am, just turned 19, with a book, a magazine, a blog, an editorial job, an amazing group of friends and an amazing family that are proud of me, excelling at uni etc etc. I'm worth so much. I've got too much going for me to be defeated and crushed in this period of my life, this time when I should feel nothing but intense self-respect and almost adoration for myself. I watched in 5 times, and today I feel great. I spent time with empowering women, I started reading a new book, I ate cake. I feel good. Today I draw a line. I am worthy.

As I sat with a coffee waiting for a friend, I wrote out some aims for this new year, my 19th year;

In my 19th year, I will...

1. work to be more aware of myself, and the impact I have on the lives of my family and friends.

I will learn to recognise how my emotions affect others, and work to be a positive influence, a support, and make them feel how they make me feel.

2. become more politically engaged and active.

There's an election coming up, and I will talk about it.

3. continue to seek opportunity to grow and make friends.

I will not stagnate.

4. allow myself space to change.

I will not put myself in situation that don't allow or encourage change or growth. I will allow myself to grow into myself and change, but only positively.

5. forgive myself for bad days.

I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to feel negative emotions and process them, but I'll try to push through them and limit their affect on others.

6. learn to think 'what if' less.

aka. learn to let the past be the past. I won't beat myself up for things I did or didn't do, or over-analyse the way I reacted to situation.

7. read more.


8. ask people how they are more.

Be more attentive of my friends and family, and don't ask it as a gateway to talk about my situations.

9. celebrate myself and my achievements despite other things going on - make room for myself.

Regardless of what is going on, or what other things I'm dealing with. If I do well, or achieve something, I will celebrate myself. I will always leave room for self-care and self-appreciation and not seek by affirmation in others.

10. make more physical things.

Use my hands more. Make more of my achievements into physical, hold-able things as there's nothing quite like it.

11. love, love, love - but also learn when to walk away.

I will not become guarded or cold, or lose my softness. But I will not put myself in a situation where my whole being is invested in another, I will learn when to know when to move on and how to pull myself away.

Today I feel good, I feel empowered. I will enter my 19th year like this, as I intend to carry on.

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