A lot of negative things happened around me in the past months involving issues with friends, college, heartbreak blah blah.
Truthfully I wasn't happy at all, it felt like I'd fallen into a sort of calm constant sadness that just lingered. It was so consistent that I don't think I really noticed it slowly fading away until now.
I wrote this journal entry the other day-
"Everything seems brighter.
I'm used to sleeping again and my dreams and vivid and happy (and weird).
Mornings don't feel as dark any more, I seem to find myself smiling at the calender and leaving my bed is no longer such a chore.
I love my family and I love my true friends and I love all the nice, inspiring, interesting people I'm meeting and I love so many things happening around me and slowly I'm starting to love myself a little more.
I'm sleeping well and just trying to stay positive and balanced, but today I feel happy and that's enough"
Its really super cringy but I don't think I realised until I wrote it how happy I'd become, and for the first time in so so long I feel the sort of pure, healthy happiness that isn't reliant on a person or a hope.
I realised that as much as bad things were happening around me...
- those things didn't define me, Although bad things were happening to me, they weren't me and I shouldn't let them control me.
- If I looked close enough, just as many good things were happening around me.
I realised that just as I was losing friends (who clearly weren't worth having), I was making and building on new friendships, just as I was feeling unmotivated and unhappy in college, new opportunities were opening up to me. I realised that everything wasn't as hopeless as it felt, and i could choose to concentrate on the good things.
In terms of heartbreak I finally feel healed. I don't think you can ever truly forget how much someone hurt you but I feel good, I feel better. At the weekend I had a lovely catch up with an old friend and for the first time in ages I felt like myself, I felt like I'd grown and become stronger and happier. Sadly my friend is going through a breakup at the moment and listening to her talk and giving the best advice I could made me realise that everything is a learning experience and I think (I hope) I've really learnt a lot. So now onwards and upwards.
(this post is honestly so cringe I apologise)
The past months have taught me that the healing process is hard! Its full of build ups and knocks down, and sometimes it feels like you're never going to be happy again and sometimes it just feels endless. But I've learnt that it's hard, but gradually you become okay again. Better than okay, you become happy, you become stronger and you become much more aware of the good things.
I realised how thankful I am for the little things-
For my best friends morning texts to ask how I'm feeling and always being there to listen to me rant or cry, for my mother always being there when I get in from a bad day and always having good advice, for new friends who accept you, for good days that come unexpectedly, for the Grease soundtrack, for people who ask you if you're okay when you're feeling a little down, for sleeping in, for calm movie nights, for nights with no homework, for exciting nights out with new friends, for live music, for times that really really make you laugh, for the new Taylor swift album and the song "clean", for friends who make you playlists, for friends who send you motivating quotes, for friends that offer to hang out when you need to get out of the house, for friends that understand, for old friends, for new friends, for friends in general, and family.
x |
Really I feel refreshed. I feel happy and I really hope you do too. And if not, you will one day soon, it'll be okay.
5 comments
I love Taylor's new album and the song clean :)
ReplyDeletewww.alicemay.org
I'm glad that you're feeling happy once again Lucy! I hope you have a good week :)
ReplyDeletewww.elevatorbrain.blogspot.com
thank you so much, hope you're doing well xx
DeleteSweetheart, I am so glad to hear you're feeling better and happier. I have been in your position with being heartbroken and issues involving friends and college.
ReplyDeleteGeorgia | Brew up Buttercup x
thank you so much, i love your blog! xx
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